Voted Tory; a mistake but not a life sentence.

Let's be honest, as soon as you approach politics people usually either go into their shell or come out all guns blazing, opinion ready and up for a debate till the death.

It's a subject that can either lead to a healthy discussion or a genuine, and in my eyes completely wrong, judgement. Individuals will very quickly presume that depending on whether you voted one way or another, you're either anti-poor and pro caviar feasting or haters of war, regardless of motive, benefit eaters, and tree hugging enthusiasts.

Am I exaggerating a bit?

Well, yes, of course I bloody am but the underlying message is ghastly true. Regardless of who you are, if you voted on either side of the questionable left or right line, you are put into the same bracket as everyone else who has.

Don't believe me? Well here's an example, a story from my own experience.

Last week I went out for a few pints before leaving uni for easter. I found myself in the last pub of the night, this one closing at an hour too late for justifiable alcohol consumption and was filled with people we will simply brand as inappropriate for daylight in their state of intoxication. I was with a mate from my house and because we saw no spare tables, we asked politely if we could sit with two girls and a bloke who had a couple of spare seats to their table. The three of them were Geordies, or from Newcastle if you'd like the more geographic term, around their 30s if you're curious. We sat, we drank, we spoke and were, for the most of it, enjoying each other's company. Up until, somehow, something came up about current affairs and the opinions of politicians came up with it. This lead onto what our views were and I, idiotically and not knowing I was dangling a huge turd over a bigger fan, stated, 'I presume you're labour being from your part of the country'. Two of the three politely said 'aye man'. One of the two girls, however, replied with a venomous 'you're not a Tory are you?' I responded with a simple, 'well I voted Tory, I wouldn't say that would mean I am a Tory'. It's as if with my vote I was branded with a mark meaning I was only ever one political ideology for the rest of my life, like a cow with a fat Conservative Tree printed of my arse. What followed was, to put it simply, a barrage of how I single handedly ruined the country and was responsible for the closure of mines 15 years before my birth, was the man who stripped individuals on the other side of the country of their homes and welfare, and all round a 'top twat'- this not being a new title and gave me a sense of deja vu. I gave my viewpoint back stating I voted for what I thought was best at the time but had some regrets now. She continued to shout and get teary eyed while I, innocently I promise, sat back and listened. It was only when she claimed that Margaret Thatcher was a murderous cow that I said goodnight and left, apologising for causing such offence in my honesty.

I'm not saying everyone is like this! Just an ignorant few which in society, sadly, doesn't seem to be so few.

So, what's my point?

Well, beside the point that branding someone with one political ideology just because they voted on, let's face it, one of two sides, is absolutely and disgustingly wrong, it did make me think of my vote last summer.

Do I regret it?

I guess I do.

Being from where I am, a Conservative seat was almost guaranteed. In fact I've heard locals from my area state they'd move out the constituency if it was anything but Tory; they said this as they smoked their pipe and tipped their butler for bringing them their overdue cup of Earl Poshy Washy tea.

However, as the Junior Doctors' strikes still linger around in one form or another, the teachers come out screaming that forcing every school to become an Academy is a failure of the education system, the Chancellor's budget is ripped apart for having more holes in it than a poor man's socks, and the two buddies from Eaton, Mr. Cameron and Mr. Fuzzyhead Johnson, argue over to stay in or out of Europe, I do begin to question whether, regardless of their manifesto, I have contributed in some way to bringing in a bunch of socially obsolete twats who, regardless of endless petitions and strikes, are inadequate to listening to the very real issues that are bombarding very real people.

Now, I'm not here to say that if you voted one way or another that means you're right or wrong. I firmly believe people vote with the context of their situation strongly in their ticking hand. That means it's hard to argue against someone's vote when you don't know the reasons behind their vote and the background they have which contributed to it.

What I'm saying is that it's OK to sit back and think, 'am I one or another?'

People say that sitting on the fence is wrong and that you should pick a side and get behind it.

I think this is complete BS.

I voted Tory because I agreed with some of their points last summer. I didn't vote Labour because I didn't agree with some of their points and couldn't imagine Ed Miliband being our leader.

Now I'm seeing that perhaps I was little naive and that maybe I didn't 'read between the lines'. But this isn't to say I'm ashamed of what I did in my first eligible general election vote. I've just learnt from it. I could very well, in the future, vote Tory again.

Don't brand someone because they voted for one way or another. It's not a club your joining. Simply the execution of our right to vote.

I voted Tory and regret it but this isn't to say that I wouldn't do it at some other point in the future.

The truth behind the dissertation.

DISSERTATION.

A word all university students greet with a grimace, a tear or another pint to fog over the idea that they all, at some point, will need to endure its torturous ways.

But for all you 'non-students', or even first years who might not be aware of what it is, here's a brief explanation. 

A dissertation is, in essence, a study you carry out in order to discover something new or develop an idea further within a certain discipline. 

For example, it could be looking into why a certain drug could be used to treat x as well as y. It could be a study into why a certain equation can be used to discover something different than to what it was being used for before. It could be why a new piece for an engine could reduce pollution.

It could be literally anything, as long as it's relevant to your field and degree and is looking to do something slightly original. 

My dissertation title is 'How to create a mad man. A Cognitive Stylistic Analysis of No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy' - sounds fancy right?

Well, it isn't really. The gibberish in the title is simply saying that I'm using certain theories to look at how language within a certain novel can be used to create an antagonist who is either unique or 'mad'. The reason why it sounds more complicated is explained below.

The first thing you will realise about dissertations is that they sound a lot more sophisticated than they actually are - this being if you're someone who has read academia before and not completely new to an academic field. 

When you have a lecture about writing a dissertation, the first thing they will throw at you is example titles, simply to give you a little idea of how they can sound.

When you first read the titles you immediately think you're well out of your depth at uni and that you have no idea how you could possibly create a title that could sound anywhere near as sophisticated and mind-meltingly confusing.

Well, it turns out you can and quite easily too. Don't be intimidated by what others have done when you won't be doing what they did, this being the whole point of the project. 

The title is all yours and you can be as creative as you like with it. As long as it gives a brief overview to what it is about, then it will be fine. The title isn't the important bit remember!

The second thing you will realise is that you will have learnt so many theories from all sorts of fields, for example I've done literature, language, and creative writing modules, and that you need to pick just one.

It feels like when someone says give me the name of any animal and for a second you go 'err ermm what?' But in this case it's much, much worse. 

Some people will know exactly what they want to do but the majority will be completely terrified at the thought of picking ONE specific field when they've done more than they'd like to remember. 

My tip for this is to simply pick a subject or area of study you've done well at before. If you're better at doing one thing more than another, you will probably find you'll enjoy it more or at least do better at it. 

The third thing I've come to realise is that dissertations are very very independent projects.

Yes, you'll have a supervisor who will assist you in the process but really they will expect you to not need them too much. You will have by this time done 2 or maybe 3 years of study prior to your final year dissertation. You will have by this time understood how to find books, journals, and articles that are relevant to your field. You will know how to correctly reference them. You will know how to write up an academic essay. And you will know how to apply the theory or idea that you're working on to some level. 

The whole idea of a dissertation is to use up the three years of studying you've done and apply it to your maximum capability. That means sitting down on your lonesome in a library with nothing but a pen, paper and numerous books and articles to give you company.

The final and most important thing I've realised about dissertations is that regardless to what I've said prior, it really isn't as bad as you initially think it is.

University is full of work and essays and tasks and whatever they can cumber up to be a pain in the arse. But in the end a dissertation is just a double, maybe triple sized piece of coursework - this being that most dissertations are 10,000 words but this can vary depending on course. 

I'm used to doing 3,500 word essays for my lecturers. Granted they're not the most enjoyable pastimes but this isn't to say they're not doable. 

Before you actually embark on your project you will probably have this idea that a dissertation is a gargantuan project that will require 3 hours of solid work every night for about 6 months. 

This is not true.

To be absolutely honest, I could do my dissertation to a very average quality in about 3 10 hour days of work. 

Obviously I'm not going to do that and will do a few hours every few days to just keep eating away at the workload. 

This idea that dissertations are impossibly difficult projects that will take over your life is simply not true. Yes, they will take over your life for a few hours every few days but so do other things. 

Don't fear the dissertation. You will be the one who creates it and the one who will develop it.

It's the most controlled piece of work you'll ever do. 

Just make sure you do the work and not leave the whole thing for a week prior!

Do that and you could be well and truly f.....

Not another Je Suis...

This morning I woke up feeling relatively worried about the day. I had a script to redraft, a recording of the script to do with no actors to do the acting, dissertation work to do, a 9am lecture, and a literature workshop which was going to be relatively difficult to get through without being wrong at some point.

But at around 8:30am, every a worry I had, every concern or stress I felt lingering in my stomach evaporated into nothing as a wave of dread, fear and sadness put my my worries into context.

At 8:30am I saw the news that Brussels had been attacked by terrorists. NOT by refugees but spineless, cowardly, delusional terrorists. It left me feeling deflated that it had happened again and that so many people's lives had been ripped apart, simply because they were living their everyday routine.

Yet again, the first words on many people's lips are of hatred and revenge, fury and death.

People seem to forget that at the heart of this people have died. That human beings wanting to get on a plane or a train have been murdered and that now, even as you read this, families are still unaware if their loved ones are coming home or not. Mums, dads, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives will be at home, frantically trying to get hold of someone that they believe might have been affected by or near the attacks. Yet they can't get through so they excruciatingly wait to get a phone call from them. A wait that could last an eternity.

Today give sympathy, revenge and hatred can wait for tomorrow.

Katie Hopkins tweeted earlier today that it was the country's allowance of refugees that had caused the attacks.

Regardless of what you think of the columnist and personality, this was a bitter, ignorant and insensitive remark. Branding all refugees under this huge deadly brush will not help solve the problem. It will simply push readers to forget that refugees are forced out of their home nation because of conflict. Terrorist are not the same as refugees. Terrorists are bastards who go out their way to instil fear and death amongst the world. Refugees are victims of death and fear.

Closing the borders to refugees and migrants won't stop terrorists blowing up airports. To be honest, I don't know what can be done to stop their ignorant hate. All I know is that throwing at hate at them will be putting fuel onto the fire.

My feelings right now are not of hate but simply of sadness.

If you wish to blame the events on something, blame it on the INDIVIDUALS.

I've said it a million bloody times that extremism is not acted out by muslims or refugees but of INDIVIDUALS who wish to spill blood.

Whether it's in the name of Allah, God, the Pope or the fucking Tooth Fairy, don't be so naive to blame a single entity. Killing is not a natural, humane action that the human being wishes to do in order to make a point. If it was none of us would be alive now.

If you are to do anything right now, don't go out of your way to tarnish everyone under the same brush.

Recognise that though they might claim to act out of religion, they are motivated by a delusional, brain-washing ideology, thrown upon vulnerable uneducated individuals.

Feel sympathy now, save hatred for tomorrow.

Appreciating the necessity of not caring.

Throughout your younger years of life you truly obsess over the opinions over others. You wish to fulfil a certain criteria that perhaps makes you acceptable within school or a community.

But what I'm learning at the age of 21 is that who really cares about what others think?

I know, I know!

This sounds like the corny kind of post that an American hipster might post about living life how you want and not conforming to the restraints of society.

But hear me out.... or don't if you are beyond my opinion and point of view.

Writing.

For those of you who are not aware, writing is what I love to do and want to do as I get older.

What form?

Well any form really. I'm currently finishing up a novel of 80,000 words which I'm co-writing. I've written a short play. I've adapted this into a radio drama. I've written numerous short stories. I've written the first act of my own feature film screenplay. I've written well over 25 newspaper columns for the Croydon Advertiser paper expressing views about Crystal Palace FC. And blogs, if you weren't aware.

So yeah, I've been pretty busy and attempted to communicate through different 'arts' of writing.

But for me to actually post them out on social media and state 'I like writing!' took a while.

I was concerned about others thoughts about it.

A guy that likes to write? That's a bit gay isn't it? (Note: I'm not using gay as a term I deem acceptable, it's just one I've heard used about the idea of writing.)

Well if you think it's 'gay', and I know some of you reading this would have automatically thought this, then that's fine. But you are so, so wrong to think so.

It was only when I hit around 20-21 that I started to not be bothered about whether people knew I liked to express my thoughts through words, whether it be creative or not.

*Bloody hell, this is starting sound like a 'coming out' post. Kind of ironic ey?

There's a level of maturity that you get when begin to finish up uni- yeah even me!

There's the sort of understanding that regardless of what people say or think or do, just do whatever you like to do and not care about what others think about it.

In fact, when I've posted short stories on Facebook or Twitter etc. I've had people message me saying they really liked it. People I didn't even think would have read it. And to me, a guy who simply writes with the hope just one person reads it, let alone likes it, this is so uplifting.

So what am I trying to get at?

I guess to those of you who might wish to write, paint, sing, dance, shout, cry or whatever; just do it and let people know you're doing it.

People will think that it's odd or strange at first but you will find people who genuinely get what you mean.

If you are truly bothered about what people think then ask yourself why.

There's far bigger things to worry about then whether some dick who you never talk to anyway thinks it's strange.

Do that then all sorts of pressure will be released.

The bleak outlook of post-uni; a contradiction of a previous post.

I'm going to be honest with you, my previous blog post about being excited about leaving uni might have been a little too soon. As I approach the final few weeks of university I begin to feel an odd sense of being completely lost.

That when the curtain falls on three years of life dedicated to studying I will be placed in the raw, unforgiving terrain of reality. 

It feels as if university has been the safety net for me for the last five years of my life and that when that goes, even though  I will have a degree printed onto my CV, it will be just a few words expressing that I am educated in the subject of English. That really, I will be put into a world that I have quite a lack understanding of.

Why such a bleak outlook?

Well I've always felt quite confident that once university finishes I will have a job, a career, a direction. Yet I type this after months of job applications and still nothing has come my way and I'm about to be placed in a situation that I hate. 

A situation which lacks security, both financially and metaphorically. 

I'm not saying that money is why I'm typing this but I've always prided myself of being rather good with money and that no matter the situation I will have some sort of fund to fall back on.

And though I still have some sort of cushion, I'm horrified at the thought I'm having to look for money as if it were water in a desert. 

There's a common feeling amongst students that money is there and that it's a precious 'thing', like a living being that if you use it too much you will be guilty of murder and well and truly fucked. 

Now before people get all judgemental and say 'Matt, there's jobs out there' or 'you're not the first person to face failure or search for a job' or the really irritating one 'just do what you want, man. Be happy and live', consider this. 

You've been a student for three, maybe four years. You have friends back home who have solid jobs. They can afford rent without the needing of a student loan. They know that if a laptop breaks, a shoe gets a hole in it or even they have a week they can do something to sort it out. You, the student finishing uni, however, don't have that ability. No, you might have to simply go without a computer. You will just have to endure soggy feet. You might, even after a horrific week, might not be able to have a pint to drown the sorrows. 

For me money is a terrifying prospect. 

I cannot stand the thought that there is no line between how much is enough to live on comfortably or not. That from now on there is a constant struggle to get more money or outdo yourself. 

Like, how much should I be earning once I find a job?

I have friends saying that £20,000 per year is not enough for a uni graduate. On the other hand I have friends who have worked their arses off for 3 years just to get to that salary. I have friends who have jobs lined up paying £30,000 and I have friends who know they will have something to fall back on if all else fails. 

Me?

Well I don't really know. I've applied for at least 20 jobs in the last few months, all graduate roles and more will be applied for in the coming weeks. How many have I heard back from? Approximately 4, maybe 5 because for some reason it's OK for employers to not let you know if you've been unsuccessful. I'm lingering in some sort of balancing act, not being sure whether to jump onto one oppurtunity or wait for something better. At the moment I'm just taking up every chance I can get. 

At the moment though, there is a vile feeling that come mid-summer I could be still searching for a job, still questioning whether I really know what I'm doing.

Maybe it's arrogance that I'm demanding a job that I actually want and requires something from my degree. Or maybe it's the student's right to be that stubborn. A student who's worked hard for the job he/she desires, or at least a position that leads to that.